Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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