he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
