when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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