Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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