whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
