she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
