when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
