I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
