I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
