she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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