when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
