I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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