Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
