im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
