My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
