You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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