I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
