so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
