1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
