i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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