Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
