You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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