Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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