Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
