She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
