Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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