come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
