Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
