i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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