So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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