How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
