everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
