I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
