I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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