Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
