then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
