If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
