I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
