How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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