I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
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Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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