Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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