Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
