my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So. Much. Porn.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
