He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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