oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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