he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
