The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
