theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
