sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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