1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
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I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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