I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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