i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
