Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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