??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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