You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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